Tooth and Claw

Like many of us, I am a fan dairy derivatives. One could not help but smile in one’s heart on the mere mention of the words “ice cream”, “cheesecake”, and “milkshake”. My disappointment was thus clearly understandable when I realized about two years ago, that I was, to a certain extent, lactose intolerant. Although I would not consider myself alone in this frustration since varying degrees of lactose intolerance afflict Asians from all walks of life. My mother told me that it was because I stopped drinking milk when I got into college. But as we all come to learn, no college student in his right mind would buy milk with his allowance when he could buy beer instead. Naively, I believed that such misappropriation of funds at so early in one’s adulthood would be without consequence, only to realize too late its painful price.

Being lactose intolerant is not without its advantages. By forcing us to cut down of saturated fat-dense dairy products, it just might be nature’s way of keeping us from ceaselessly feeding our coronary atheromas. In my line of work as a rural health physician, I could also cleverly exploit my lactose-intolerance-induced gas buildup to subtly convey to obnoxious patients that they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Living with lactose intolerance, like all other natural disasters, is simply a matter of acceptance. One simply has to weigh how many hours of diarrhea and distressing gas accumulation would one be willing to spend for, let’s say, a pint of ice cream. I have therefore come up with a measure, I hereby dub the Johann’s Gas Equivalent, by which dairy by-products can be conveniently evaluated as to their palatability and the amount of gastrointestinal embarrassment that persons with lactose intolerance would be willing to, ahem, stomach.

I have decided that the Gas Equivalent would be most conveniently expressed in gas-hours, since measuring the amount of discomfort in terms of its duration has been found to be more agreeable to the subjects than in terms of the volume of gas produced. And so, without further ado, I present to you the list to begin all lists of foodstuffs with their corresponding Gas Equivalents:

1. A glass of milk – 3 gas-hours

Lightly sweetened, with Oreos, or in a bowl of cereal, the warmed mother of all dairy products reigns supreme as the dairy icon of home, family ties, and motherly love. As a superb accompaniment for snacks too sweet to consume on their own, and for the good it does my body, I could spend about 3 hours acting as-if-I-didn’t-do-it for a timely glass of milk.

2. One large scoop of ice cream – 4 gas-hours

Of course we’d all expect this value to be highly variable depending on the particular brand and flavor of ice cream. Right now I’m thinking of the ubiquitous Selecta brand vanilla ice cream on a good slice of French apple pie. I guess I could jeopardize an occasional morning’s worth of salary for this one scoop.

3. Italianni’s Strawberry Cheesecake – 12 gas-hours

My vote for the best cheesecake in the country goes to this gastronomic marvel. Baked to a perfect golden brown with a butterscotch finish, the strawberry sauce suitably counterbalances the dessert’s sweetness. Aside from the amount of hard-earned cash I’d have to cough up for the pleasure of its consumption, I could throw in an additional half a day scurrying from chair to toilet seat for good measure.

4. Calea’s Frozen Tiramisu – 16 gas-hours

The best dessert in the country combines the best elements of ice cream and cake to bring about this man-made wonder. Well, if you really think about it, it’s just cake-shaped ice cream sandwiched between two giant ladyfingers. But since the world of enlightenment puts a premium on ordinary things done extraordinarily well, this masterpiece may just have achieved culinary nirvana. I could spend every waking hour in hypovolemic stupor for a piece of this heaven.

5. Picobello’s Quattro Formaggio – 24 gas-hours

Inconspicuously situated at the topmost floor of an old mall building, Picobello restaurant is one of Davao City’s best kept secrets. The fact that the country’s best four-cheese pizza is kept in such flagrant unobtrusiveness makes it even better. The pizza is cheesier than Air Supply, enough said. And if you make it to the place before 5pm, you can get two for the price of one. Now that’s enough cheese to make Ben and Jerry lactose intolerant. That’s an exaggeration of course, but I ain’t making one when I say that I’d spend 24 hours on diapers just to gorge on this scrumptious ode to lactose overload.

The good news is that modern medicine has come up with fairly effective adsorbents like dimethicone and attapulgite that make eating your favorite dairy-based dish less distressing.  More expensive lactase tablets are also available in the market for those who have serious engagements the following day.  Needless to say, lactose intolerance need not be messy.  But, well, where’s the fun in that?